A failed retrieval brings grief. However, we often avoid feeling into it by focusing instead on regaining the control that our systems have long been lacking. Avoiding what is uncomfortable, we retreat to a familiar space - one of urgency and planning. We quickly find ourselves asking - should we do it again? If so, how soon? What should we change? Will the outcome be different? Do we have the emotional or financial resources to do this again? Will I be supported in my decision to keep going - or to stop?

Here, it’s not uncommon to find ourselves suddenly swallowed whole by the tension between our options and our limitations - and our hopes and our fears. And, in this quest to find control and avoid the unknown, we begin to move farther away from ourselves and our intuition - looking for reassurance or answers in the places we're least likely to find it.

If you’re in the freeze of indecision, here are some tips to help you move forward with ease:

• Start with self-regulation. The energy you gave to the process and the potentiality of your retrieval is a lot to mourn. Find a simple practice that allows you to connect back in. Acknowledging the space you came from will bring more ease to deciding where you're going.

• You have permission to pivot. That might mean doing the retrieval you said you would never do, or taking the pause you said you would never take. You can lock in a new boundary or expand it. You're allowed to constantly shift your vision of what this process can look and feel like.

• Try to avoid the internet searches. This can take you out of your own narrative.

• Try on each of your options for one day. How does each one feel?

• Advocate for yourself. Ask your doctor to clarify anything that is coming up for you.

• Lastly, speak to your embryology team. There is a lot to learn from your day-by-day results, informing a better path forward. Here are some examples: 

  • Can you share what was seen each day? What specifics can you tell me about how the embryos looked on days 1-3 vs 4-7?

  • Did the eggs look dark or sticky?

  • Am I outside the range of lab averages for fertilization, blastocyst conversion, or embryo grading?

  • What day did the embryos stop developing?