An undesired retrieval result can create a fair amount of uncertainty and overwhelm. Because of this, I find we often turn away from grief and instead retreat to the familiar space of urgency and planning. It makes sense that this happens; our system is simply seeking to regain the control and safety that it has long been lacking. Instead of feeling into our experience, we often find ourselves immediately asking: should we do it again? If so, how soon? What should we change? Will the outcome be different? Do we have the emotional or financial resources to do this again? Will I be supported in my decision to keep going - or to stop?

Here, it’s not uncommon to find ourselves suddenly swallowed whole by the tension between our options and our limitations - and our hopes and our fears. And, in this quest to avoid sadness - or the unknown, we move farther away from our intuition - looking for reassurance or answers in the places we're least likely to find it.

If you’re in the freeze of indecision, here are some tips to help you move forward with ease:

• Start with self-regulation. The energy you gave to the process and the potentiality of your retrieval is a lot to mourn. Find a simple practice that is available to you daily. Think: long walks, music, spending time in nature.

• Permission to pivot. That might mean doing another retrieval (the one you said you would never do), or taking the pause you said you would never take. You can create a new boundary or expand it. You're allowed to shift your vision at any time.

• Avoid the internet searches that take you away from your own narrative. Instead, ask yourself what you really need in that moment.

• Try on each of your options for one day. How does each one feel?

• Advocate for yourself. Ask your doctor to clarify anything that is coming up for you.

• Lastly, speak to your embryology team. There is a lot to learn from your day-by-day results, informing a better path forward. Here are some examples: 

  • Can you share what was seen each day? What specifics can you tell me about how the embryos looked on days 1-3 vs 4-7?

  • Did the eggs look dark or sticky?

  • Am I outside the range of lab averages for fertilization, blastocyst conversion, or embryo grading?

  • What day did the embryos stop developing?